I deny the pleasure killing provided because of the guilt it also carries when the orgasmic euphoria subsides and gives way to the finality of death. With a body count in the upper 2400s, it was that guilt that began (and continues) to dominate that pleasure. That same guilt that leads me to raise my own food but pay someone to take their life. That same guilt that makes killing a possum destined to eat my chickens and ducks an act that requires weeks to decompress from. But like those we left at home to protect through killing our enemies, that possum must be killed to protect those who rely on us to do the killing because they cannot possibly kill those that mean harm to themselves. So some of us must do the killing, experience the high of killing, as well as the lows of having killed…again.
As always, thank you for sharing your thoughts, Will. As a clueless civilian, it took me time to digest what you wrote and what it meant, and to get over my shock. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it makes sense for armed personnel to get that "high" when in a life/death situation. If there wasn't a basic primal satisfaction then there would be hesitation, lack of commitment, and the real possibility of becoming fodder for the enemy's "high". I understand now why it is so hard for many folks returning to civilian life to feel lost, without a purpose, and missing combat. I sincerely hope that you can balance all these conflicting emotions and can find a different but fulfilling purpose in your life. It sounds like you have a great wife, and congratulations on becoming a dad! (Speaking as a Mom, children are miracles and give one a lifelong purpose that is without comparison). Thank you for your service; for protecting your buddies, our country, and for taking the time to share so much of yourself with your readers.
Maybe part of the joy of killing is the burst of adrenaline that comes when you know that you are the one who will survive. Even if the other guys peeing on a bush, he has a gun somewhere, and if your gun jams, he or his buddies might shoot you first. If you succeed in killing him, you know that's not going to happen. That has to feel pretty good.
I used to use this book in the Veterans in Transition course. Veterans who took the course said that this book and The Body Keeps the Score were the best most helpful to them.
I have spent my entire professional career around the military, and there is definitely a part of me that feels like something is missing in my background. That thread of common experiences and shared hardship that I just don’t share with people who have served in combat. I am definitely not physically well-suited to combat, and I’m past the age where there is any realistic scenario in which it might happen, but I still…kind of…wish I had the opportunity. The desire to know, to really understand, the things you write about is hard to ignore. Anyway, peace be upon you, sir.
I deny the pleasure killing provided because of the guilt it also carries when the orgasmic euphoria subsides and gives way to the finality of death. With a body count in the upper 2400s, it was that guilt that began (and continues) to dominate that pleasure. That same guilt that leads me to raise my own food but pay someone to take their life. That same guilt that makes killing a possum destined to eat my chickens and ducks an act that requires weeks to decompress from. But like those we left at home to protect through killing our enemies, that possum must be killed to protect those who rely on us to do the killing because they cannot possibly kill those that mean harm to themselves. So some of us must do the killing, experience the high of killing, as well as the lows of having killed…again.
As always, thank you for sharing your thoughts, Will. As a clueless civilian, it took me time to digest what you wrote and what it meant, and to get over my shock. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it makes sense for armed personnel to get that "high" when in a life/death situation. If there wasn't a basic primal satisfaction then there would be hesitation, lack of commitment, and the real possibility of becoming fodder for the enemy's "high". I understand now why it is so hard for many folks returning to civilian life to feel lost, without a purpose, and missing combat. I sincerely hope that you can balance all these conflicting emotions and can find a different but fulfilling purpose in your life. It sounds like you have a great wife, and congratulations on becoming a dad! (Speaking as a Mom, children are miracles and give one a lifelong purpose that is without comparison). Thank you for your service; for protecting your buddies, our country, and for taking the time to share so much of yourself with your readers.
Maybe part of the joy of killing is the burst of adrenaline that comes when you know that you are the one who will survive. Even if the other guys peeing on a bush, he has a gun somewhere, and if your gun jams, he or his buddies might shoot you first. If you succeed in killing him, you know that's not going to happen. That has to feel pretty good.
“It is well that War is so terrible, else we would grow too fond of it.”
-R.E. Lee
I used to use this book in the Veterans in Transition course. Veterans who took the course said that this book and The Body Keeps the Score were the best most helpful to them.
I have spent my entire professional career around the military, and there is definitely a part of me that feels like something is missing in my background. That thread of common experiences and shared hardship that I just don’t share with people who have served in combat. I am definitely not physically well-suited to combat, and I’m past the age where there is any realistic scenario in which it might happen, but I still…kind of…wish I had the opportunity. The desire to know, to really understand, the things you write about is hard to ignore. Anyway, peace be upon you, sir.